Category Archives: Correspondence

When good things happen to bad fish

Trevor the Trout intrepid in-depth reporter and Wise Colin’s NZ correspondent sends this news item on homo sapiens’ attempt to rid Koi from New Zealand waterways.

LAKE ROTORUA, NEW ZEALAND:

Bay of Plenty, Lake Rotorua

Koi, distant carp relatives of goldfish (boo hiss), like the unwanted guests they are, have intruded themselves into some lakes and rivers and become pests, making life tough for local NZ aquatic species.

I spoke to a number of local lake residents, who out of fear for their safety, requested their real identities be concealed.

‘Mary’ a rainbow trout from Lake Rotorua says, “Things used to be peaceful around here – I mean, this is trout paradise. But since the koi have come there has been no end of trouble. They stir up mud and rip out plants – at times the turbidity is so dreadful I can hardly see my kids. These koi are like bikie gangs and football hooligans combined. No-one’s safe.”

‘Harold’ a brown trout from the lake agrees, “A simple house party is a thing of the past. The koi gate-crash your party every time and before you know it your place is trashed. I’m glad they’re clearing them out. Good luck to the humans, I say.”

Trevor the Trout, ace reporter, convincing terrified trout to speak out about koi.



Unanimous!

Sorry, dolphin, just as I thought your second application for entry into Wise Colin’s Fish Hall of Fame has been unsuccessful. Whilst I did my best to present your case, the committee (me), after a long, strenuous (even vitriolic) debate, finally came to their decision to reject. I am afraid the vote was unanimous.

Colin (President)

Stay out of the water, homo sapiens!

After my insightful review of “Jaws!” I’ve had numerous pathetic requests from homo sapiens types (aka YOU) asking advice regarding potential shark attack and seeking preventative measures. So here it is. I’ve summed it up in two neat equations:

FISH = WATER
HUMANS = LAND

Simple, isn’t it?

Regards, Colin

Disappointed dolphin

OK dolphin, I will re-submit your application to Wise Colin’s Fish Hall of Fame, but I fear the outcome will be the same. The committee (me) thinks as I do that you lack the necessary qualifications to be admitted.

We know you are intelligent, some even say on par with humans (which is not saying much) and we know you can do neat tricks, but this is really not what defines a fish.

Our objections (as per previous correspondence) still stand and unless you have somehow overcome these obstacles you are again bound for disappointment.

We, the committee and myself, understand that rejection is hard (not that I have personally experienced it), yet we urge you to understand our position and not make petulant demands. Your ridiculous suggestion that we re-name our institution Wise Colin’s Marine Creatures Hall of Fame is totally unacceptable. Whilst this change might allow entry of your kind into our institution, it also open membership to all kinds of riff-raff including sea cucumbers, prawns, crabs and oysters.

I know I may sound a snob but standards must be maintained. A fish is a fish (unless it’s a goldfish).

Yours Colin (President)

Dolphin petition

I had an email from a dolphin requesting that dolphin be admitted to WISE COLIN’S FISH HALL OF FAME* (did I mention that I am President?). It attached a petition signed by thousands of dolphin from all over the world.

Well, in my official capacity I regret to inform you that your application has been unsuccessful. You see, dolphins, you are mammals not fish.

Yes, I know you look like fish and swim a bit like fish, but the unattractive way you gulp air and have babies and all that messy milk. It’s obvious you need to sort yourselves out. You have ambitions to be fish – sure. I acknowledge that. But where’s the commitment? Where’s the real desire?

While you have a fin in both camps, the answer has to be no*. Perhaps you would like to re-submit your application in a few million years.

Yours sadly, Colin (President).

(PS: I know there is a fish joke in this sentence, but this is no time for levity – dolphin are hurting.)

A disappointed dolphin sets off into the sunset bearing the sad news that dolphin have been rejected from Wise Colin's Fish Hall of Fame.

*WISE COLIN’S FISH HALL OF FAME is a society that celebrates excellence in fish species evolution. Goldfish must definitely NOT apply. From the quality of the applications I think I will have to make it invitation only.

No marriage proposals, please.

Look, I know I’m a catch (fish joke), but would all you females stop stalking me.

Got an email the other day from a Russian salmon wanting marriage and to spawn my children.

No, no, no!

I wish to live a monastic life. Think of me as a rather WET Zen Master monk.

Regards, Colin

PS: You’ll forget me in time.
PS PS: Actually you won’t. I just said that in a vain attempt to make you feel better.

Fin mail!

I am getting popular. A whole angler’s club wants to hook up with me.