Category Archives: Fish Hall of Fame

Happy Birthday, Mr President!


Wise Colin, illustrious President of Wise Colin’s Fish Hall of Fame, celebrates his birthday.

Below fish-girl of his dreams, sexy blonde bombshell Marilyn Angelfish sings him “Happy Birthday”.

Marilyn Angelfish sings President Wise Colin a husky, seductive rendition of 'Happy Birthday'.

If only other presidents were so lucky.


Salmon breeding (again)

The Guardian reports that salmon numbers have increased against expectations.

I suppose this is good news. But you really have to wonder sometimes if salmon should be encouraged. I mean they’re erratic at the best of times (some might unkindly describe them as unstable – I would). Just consider their pathetic lifestyle – can’t decide if they’re fresh water or sea creatures. Up the river to breed then back out to sea. That’s no life – especially for the kids. But of course, as all fish know the real reason why salmon numbers went down for the past few years is the fact they have problems in the bedroom department, so to speak.

Maybe it was something in the water but I have it on good authority (I am PRESIDENT of the Wise Colin Fish Hall of Fame) that salmon stopped breeding because of a collective decision brought on by the fact that they are bored with the sameness of their nuptial routine.

“Must we go to that same old river,” salmon everywhere declared. “I sick of spawning there. It gives me gravel rash. Maybe we could go in the Bahamas instead.”

This, alas, was a typical comment. Fortunately (or unfortunately) some smart salmon mentioned the “e” word (extinction). Kind of focuses the mind. So salmon are back at it again.

Same old, same old.

Paul the Octopus

OK, Paul, you’re not a fish, but perhaps the next best thing.

Sea Life rules, OK!

Regards, Wise Colin

Zebra fish and their hearts

As President of the Wise Colin’s Fish Hall of Fame (and a fish myself) I say lay off zebra fish! They are confused creatures who think they are striped horses and spend all day neighing. Unable to speak for themselves except for a whinny, I will speak for them.

Not only are you (homo sapiens) eating the fish of the world to extinction, now you’re wanting to play with their hearts on the way. The poor zebra fish – just because it is a little transparent (hey, who isn’t?) you think it’s OK to fiddle with their hearts. Listen humans, you’ve got your own hearts to play with! And I’m sure you could arrange for a doctor/window glazier to put in a glass panel in your front, if you wanted to look at your own heart.

Farewell Blue Fin Tuna

As President of the Wise Colin’s Fish Hall of Fame I would like to extend my deepest sympathy to all Blue Fin Tuna. Unfortunately dear tuna, these homo sapiens types just don’t get it. They’re just stomachs on legs. Sure, they have a brain but not enough omega 3 to power it. That’s why they keep eating fish. And they will keep eating us until there is nothing left.

(UN’s Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species fails to protect bluefin.)

When good things happen to bad fish

Trevor the Trout intrepid in-depth reporter and Wise Colin’s NZ correspondent sends this news item on homo sapiens’ attempt to rid Koi from New Zealand waterways.


Bay of Plenty, Lake Rotorua

Koi, distant carp relatives of goldfish (boo hiss), like the unwanted guests they are, have intruded themselves into some lakes and rivers and become pests, making life tough for local NZ aquatic species.

I spoke to a number of local lake residents, who out of fear for their safety, requested their real identities be concealed.

‘Mary’ a rainbow trout from Lake Rotorua says, “Things used to be peaceful around here – I mean, this is trout paradise. But since the koi have come there has been no end of trouble. They stir up mud and rip out plants – at times the turbidity is so dreadful I can hardly see my kids. These koi are like bikie gangs and football hooligans combined. No-one’s safe.”

‘Harold’ a brown trout from the lake agrees, “A simple house party is a thing of the past. The koi gate-crash your party every time and before you know it your place is trashed. I’m glad they’re clearing them out. Good luck to the humans, I say.”

Trevor the Trout, ace reporter, convincing terrified trout to speak out about koi.

Dolphin Moko first RDS casualty?

Renown intrepid New Zealand correspondent Trevor the Trout and Colin exchange greetings. Here Trevor is on his way in search of another in-depth story.

Trevor the Trout my New Zealand correspondent has advised me of the case of Moko, a kiwi dolphin*, who has become aggressive towards humans by tipping over their kayaks, interrupting their water skiing and preventing them from getting out of the water.

Now, is it just coincidence or something more profound that around the time of this report it had been my melancholic presidential duty to reject dolphin from the Wise Colin Fish Hall of fame?**

In other words is Moko the first casualty of Rejected Dolphin Syndrome (RDS)?

There is another theory of course. It has been suggested by some that he is trying to mate with humans. Yuk! Let’s not go there.

We can only hope that Moko recovers or finds another hobby like seaweed macramé.

*Kiwi dolphin – strange combo, that one – a flightless bird and a mammal who thinks it’s a fish.
**Wise Colin is President of the Wise Colin Fish Hall of Fame.