Category Archives: Goldfish

12 step program for alcoholic goldfish

A convincing argument for raising the legal drinking age for goldfish.

A common confusion amongst goldfish concerning cocktails and fire extinguishers.

Yes, I think a twelve step program is definitely called for.


Sick goldfish

Goldfish have no pride, no class, no self-respect at all.

When I was in the pet shop, before George bought me, I had to watch some inbred goldfish neighbours all day long. (Have you any idea how boring watching aquariums can be – like daytime TV!) Anyway, these goldfish swam around with long trails of poo coming from their rears. Only when something bumped it off or it grew so heavy that even gravity couldn’t stand it any more, did the poo dislodge. Not even humans would do that. Well, perhaps not most of them.

Disgusting! Why do people buy them? I don’t wish to carp (fish joke), but goldfish really are pathetic. And they really do reinforce the unfair prejudice that all fish are stupid.

No, not all fish are stupid. Some fish are stupid. Goldfish are stupid! It’s true, they have the attention span of a nano second. How else do you explain the poo? They’ve forgotten they’ve gone to the toilet!

Goldfish suck! Don’t buy them.

goldfish poo

Evidence for the prosecution

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Errol the Emo does Hamlet

Shh, rehearsal in progress!

Preparation is under way for the first exciting production of Shakespeare’s new theatre company of hypnotised goldfish, the Aquarium Players.

Please sit down quietly and the enjoy the awesome privilege of witnessing the Bard himself directing Errol the Emo in the role of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

Actors prepare – Shakespeare and his Goldfish Players

You’ve heard of The Globe, now here’s The Aquarium.

After many long, long hours of training, Lance (goldfish fancier, trainer and hypnotist) has finished his task of hypnotising Shakespeare’s new goldfish company into remembering the Bard’s complete works.

Below the ghost of Shakespeare attempts to rehearse a play.

For the Shakespeare-challenged humans amongst you the play references from left to right are: Richard III, Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth and Othello.

Shakespeare and the goldfish company

Exciting news!

The Ghost of Shakespeare, having been unemployed for a few hundred years has decided to start up a new theatre company of inexperienced actors.  His thespians, a tank of goldfish, form the basis of his new company known as the Aquarium Players.

Joining the enterprise is Lance, a goldfish fancier and trainer. Lance, having demonstrated his remarkable abilities at hypnotising Alistair, the world’s brightest goldfish into remembering an entire encyclopaedia, has taken on the task of imprinting the complete works of the Bard into the minds of the goldfish cast.

Is he up to the task? Lance recently finished an advanced course in hypnosis – Hypnotism 102.

When interviewed about his choice of goldfish as his performers, Shakespeare said, “I liketh a challenge.”

The Ghost of Shakespeare comes out of retirement – “I liketh a challenge.”

We eagerly await the results of this daring experiment, so watch this space. I’ve added a few dots points to make the space a little more interesting.

Preppy goldfish

Parents of preppy goldfish be warned.

Your young ones are becoming addicted to the word “like” with which they constantly and inappropriately punctuate their sentences.

If symptoms persist check your pH value immediately (failing that, consider adoption).

Preppy goldfish addicted to the word like. One fish (left) has unfortunately overdosed and requires immediate medical attention like.

Goldfish party animals

Alistair, the world’s brightest goldfish has a party while his owner Lance is away.

Note their party animal behaviour and bad spelling.

Delinquent goldfish party in Alistair's aquarium.

Wise Colin wasn’t invited.

Unconvincing Colin.