Population seven billion! Wake up humans, or better still, cross your legs! This can’t go on. As one commentator recently said you’re “at it like rabbits”.
This last remark of course is highly offensive to rabbits. A rabbit I know…(George, my human keeps rabbits as well – how weird can this guy get?) Anyway, I digress. George parked this rabbit on a chair next to my aquarium. The rabbit and I struck up a conversation.
I’ve learnt rabbit. It’s not too hard. Most fish speak numerous languages and are experts at cross-species communications – all that fish oil, makes us intelligent. I tried some telepathic rabbit whispering for a bit but their train of thought jumps all over the place (what do you expect from rabbits). And a little like this post – must be the rabbit influence, even just thinking about them makes your thoughts hop .
Anyway this rabbit – between chews on its carrot – says he is sick of lewd references to rabbit reproductive practices by humans. In fact, the rabbit said that he found the whole situation a source of great irony.
THOUGHT HOP: Yes, the rabbit actually used that expression “a source of great irony” or at least the rabbit equivalent. Rabbits are better educated these days.
The rabbit said that it was ironic that humans use the saying “at it like rabbits” because rabbits have their own term “at it like homo sapiens” when they are describing promiscuous behaviour.
THOUGHT HOP: A behaviour I might add they don’t approve of. Rabbits are rather prudish in matters of sex. In fact the rabbit told me they don’t like it at all. He said they only do it because they sleep walk a lot. He said it was all very disturbing because they never know who they will wake up next to.
Anyway, as far as humans are concerned I think the rabbit was right. “At it like homo sapiens” should be the new catch-cry. Seven billion kind of proves it.
FINAL THOUGHT HOP: For those of you interested in other species communication, rabbits do not talk like Bugs Bunny at all. They sound much more like Marlon Brando in “The Godfather”.
See, you learn something new every day.
Wise Colin is asked his opinion on human progress so far this century.
Wise Colin summing up human progress in the 21st century.
Yes, I know it’s not even the new year, but I tried. I really did. Nothing came! Those dot points are just too hard to fill. (I even asked George, my fish-whisperer friend. Totally useless as usual – he just ended up with a migraine.)
So reluctantly and on the advice of my vet, who saw the adverse effect the campaign was having on my health, I have decided to terminate my International Year of Niceness to Humans.
But being a fish who hates to waste things, I’ve also decided to put one dot point on sale – just in case you humans can think of something nice to say about yourselves. So here it is – one dot point.
All offers considered.
Just to get you in the mood - here is a picture of the Sydney Harbour Bridge taken by George, my human fish-whisperer companion, of a past New Year's Eve. Judging by its blurry quality George wasn't drinking water that night.
As the new year approaches I, Wise Colin – as you know – have made a firm resolution to be nicer to humans.
Regarding this resolution, however, I have some good news and some bad news.
Which do you want first?
OK, the good news – my plan for an International Year of Niceness to Humans is going ahead.
Now for the bad news – I’ve decided to revise my plans.
Yes, as much as I hate to admit defeat, it seems I may have been over-ambitious in my desire to promote human well-being.
So what changes have been made to my plan?
After agonising over the matter, I have decided to reduce the number of dot points I have dedicated to this important event from ten to five.
This decision was not taken lightly, but the stress I have been under to come up with ten nice things to say about your species has proved too much. (I was breaking out in a nasty scale rash.)
So here they are, five dot points. I’m confident now I will be able to fill them out with glowing statements about the positive virtues of your species.
Don’t worry, folks – Wise Colin is determined. This is one new year resolution I intend to keep.
As a new year approaches I feel it necessary to make a healing gesture towards you humans. Now I know I have been critical of you at times, calling you a loser species and such, but my negative comments were only intended to help you lift your game.
Anyway, Colin wishes to bury the harpoon, so to speak. It’s time you and I got on better. So, towards this end I have declared next year to be the International Year of Niceness to Humans.
In preparation for this exciting event I have created ten neat dot points and as soon as I can think of something I will fill them in with positive statements about you. In the meanwhile, you might like to think of a few points yourself. Good Luck.
Gee, this is much harder than I’d thought.
After my insightful review of “Jaws!” I’ve had numerous pathetic requests from homo sapiens types (aka YOU) asking advice regarding potential shark attack and seeking preventative measures. So here it is. I’ve summed it up in two neat equations:
FISH = WATER
HUMANS = LAND
Simple, isn’t it?
Don’t miss my first exciting fireside chat as I tell you homo sapiens (aka loser species) how you first learned to walk upright and gain the ground.
This is a life-transforming talk. No longer will you take for granted your vertical dimension. You will learn that it was no accident of nature, it was a hard won achievement!
This is not a talk, it is a REVOLUTION! It is a QUANTUM leap in human knowledge. Textbooks will have to be re-written.
To read it click HERE.