Colin v Einstein

Fish-whisperer and human companion George has been very upset with me regarding my previous blog on Einstein. He reckons I was very unfair. Especially the bit about Einstein’s funny hair. Seems Einstein is a bit of a hero to him. He has decided to “educate” me. Telling me all about Einstein – his life and his work. Hour upon hour. Makes my fins droop.

But I will have none of it. I refuse to be brainwashed. I know I’ve got the guy’s number, I’ve got him pegged. So, in the interests of bringing humanity’s gigantic ego down a notch or two, Wise Colin Colin takes on Einstein.

Let’s take his classic equation E=mc². This is how he got that one.

Once upon a time Einstein was doing equations for fun. He was just playing around (equations are like doodles for mathematics/physics types). So he writes E=mc² in his note pad. Then underneath it on the page he writes Einstein = many times cool squared, ie Einstein is very cool. (Yeah, that’s right – he has a very high opinion of himself.)

Anyway, some of his nerdy friends come over. They see Einstein writing in his pad. Einstein quickly rips the lower part of the page and hides it away*. All that is left on the page is E=mc².

One geeky pal spots the equation.

“What’s that, Einy?” asks the pal. His other friends become interested, too.

“Um…er,” Einstein replies. He really couldn’t tell his friends that he was being a big head, a sublime egotist, writing flattering things about himself

So he simply says to his friends, “I bet you can’t work it out.”

Which was a very cunning ploy.

The friends put their heads together (literally). Nerds think better that way. (They also get head lice.)

E is for energy,” they collectively announce.

“That’s right!” declares Einstein, pretending he knew all along. “And the next bit is the equals sign.”

“Yeah, that’s clever, that bit,” his friends observe. “But, Einy, what about the mc²? Come on, give us a hint.”

“Well… m is for…,” Einstein says slowly. But nothing would come. No idea. Totally clueless. “It’s so obvious,” he suddenly calls out, hoping to disguise his embarrassment. “You’re not really trying.”

“I know, I know!” says one of his friends overcome with excitement, “I think m is for mass.”

“Excellent, excellent,” Einstein congratulates him. “That just leaves the c. You’re all doing very well.”

“Why, that’s the speed of light!” another friend adds, not to be outdone.

“Yes, and that just leaves the square***,” Einstein wraps up. “I’m sure you don’t need me to explain that one.”

“No,” they all lie.

“Wow, that equation’s pretty cool. We could print it on T-shirts,” they then all concur.

“Hey, what are we going to do now?” one friend asks.

“Let’s go split some atoms!” Einstein suggests.

So folks, that’s my theory – you see Einstein was not brainy he was just lucky to have nerdy friends.

Anyway, I think equations are so easy that I have made one up myself. I call mine the Colin Constant (because it is always true). It goes:

C > E³

Colin is many times better than Einstein.

Notice in my equation I cubed (because there is nothing SQUARE about Colin).

Feel free to print it on T-shirts.

The Colin Constant - because it's always true

The Colin Constant - because it's always true

*To this day investigators are searching for that missing piece of note pad. Some believe it to be somewhere in Rome, or perhaps in Paris under the Louvre.
** Einstein’s contribution
*** Einstein’s other contribution

COMING SOON: Colin does Shakespeare!

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